Warning: the views and opinions expressed in this entry are not necessarily mine or those of my subsidiaries or affiliates. The comments are made to incite anger and shock among the general public.
I recently learned of the existence of "The World Islands" located off the coast of Dubai. They are man made islands in the shape of the separate continents of the world. I began to reflect upon private islands of which I have heard tell. Disney has Castaway Cay (Caribbean), Mel Gibson owns Mago Island (Fiji), Ted Turner owns St. Phyllis Island (South Carolina), Gene Hackman owns an Island in British Columbia Canada, and on privateislandsonline.com you can even purchase your own.
After a few short moments of wondering what I would do with my own island, (and then quickly dismissing the thought as Haitian zombies began hunting me across my island) I wondered... "Why has the government never bought one as a prison?" It was a moment of genius that could only be actualized in the shower; but it wasn't.
Now before you begin to think that I am light on crime, deprive yourself the notion of a warm, tropical Bahamian island. I'm talking about an Island in a land where no one in their right mind would ever go... Unfortunately there are no islands in Nebraska; thus we resort to the second worse place... Canada. Now when we take a moment to consider said action, we come to the conclusion that it is sensible on every level. When there is something in your home that no longer serves a purpose, but you are not able to rid yourself of what do you do? Up to the attic. I argue that Canada, as our attic, is the perfect place to buy an Island to use as a prison for those convicted of crimes worthy of capital punishment* after the appeals have been exhausted..
To contain these men we will build a large concrete wall. We will drop them from an airplane with a parachute into the "landing zone" of the island and leave the decision to them as to the opening or refraining to open the chute.
I also propose that we use this island to perform an experiment about society and instincts to survive. We will place two very large Pinatas in the island a red pinata and a blue pinata. I thought about a black and white pinata, but well... That was just wrong. Each side will be given one weapon. The weapon will be chosen by the American Public by way of polling and is to be exclusively produced by NERF. Inside the pinata of the opposing team's color we will place a "get out of jail free" card from the monopoly board game. Retrieving the card will have no reward at all, but they will be lead to believe that it will liberate them from their captivity on the island. Each team captain will be shot upon loss of control of his pinata.
The coverage will be televised.
This, is my proposed form of eliminating crime... Or at least criminals.
*I consider these actions to be: murder, rape, selling Richard Simmons videos, and producing peppermint flavored soda. (see previous entry)
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2 comments:
The English government already tried the island-as-a-prison thing.....it's called AUSTRALIA, which is now considered one of the coolest places on the planet. Think about that for a while...
Excellent point, which I was unaware of. This empirical evidence strengthens my resolve that our government and Canada only stand to benefit from such a policy.
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